Hills and Valleys

 2020 is winding down. In just a few weeks, we will be in 2021. What a year it has been! And when I ponder on this year, I see God's hand as a constant.  I often ponder lessons from my preschool kids as I work. Being a preschool teacher is something I get to do and something that brings immeasurable joy to me life. This week, they have enjoyed trying to balance on the rim around the playground. It's quite interesting. They like to try to do it themselves and aren't too bad at it but always wind up asking me to hold their hand. They think holding my hand is just to help them balance but it's also to break their falls and guide them. As their tiny feet balance on this rim, they are often shaky but confident and determine. My grip is dependent on their needs but I am ever present. They start to fall and I break it. It doesn't prevent them from falling but by breaking it, they get back up faster and with more confidence then if they were to fall on their own. I think fa...

Our eyes take in all sorts of things. Colors, motion, and emotion. Our eyes help us visually see things and people. I've been ever aware of my eyes this week. The beauty they take in. The pain they see. The other eyes they meet.  With masks covering faces, eye contact seems to communicate all the more. It is in eye contact that we feel seen. Today in the Wal-mart parking lot, a stranger and I made eye contact. A nod was exchanged and we acknowledged that we saw each other.  What is the point?  Do not underestimate or ignore what your eyes can see.  They see black and white and color. They see fear, sadness, happiness, and joy. We see things as they appear but what if we looked deeper? I see how I am white and you might be the same or different. Deeper is seeing we are all created by God and loved by Him. I see how you voted for this party or the opposite party. Deeper is seeing we are all living in this country and that is a blessing. I see how COVID and politics and...

If I could give you a tiny picture of the last few years, you would see a story woven with pain and heartache. Not completely, but a lot. Some my own making and choosing and some just how circumstances happened. Toxic relationships, job loss and changes, and a plethora of health issues. My therapist (which I highly recommend having one to anyone. Yes, you can still love Jesus and need a therapist) calls me "strong."  And I agree. I am strong. But this has been on my mind and is bothering me so here we are writing. My generation is entitled (overall) but there is a much bigger movement at play...victimization. The culture around us in the world right now claims victimization for everything. People as a whole feel the wrongs they experience follows them. Defines them. Takes over them.  That to me, friends, is a depressing thing. See, in victimization we almost always default to survival mode. In survival mode we are just trying to make it. We are trying to fight against out dem...

 Goodness, haven't we all learned something from COVID-19! From general things like what professions are essential to the day to day function of our world. To how we are social people, even as introverts. To adjusting to social distancing and masks everywhere. However, I believe we all have learned some very personal things about ourselves as well. In that, there is room to grow.  Here are some things I have learned and grown in: 1. My worth. This is probably the biggest and most life changing one. As well as one of the biggest works in progress. COVID-19 challenged me in where I find my worth. Like many people, I like working and people interactions. COVID-19 cost me jobs and well, a pandemic is not really a social place. It left me hitting rock bottom several times. Like many people, I battled depression due to the circumstances. It was hard; brutal even. But then something happened. God began scrapping layers back in my heart to reestablish who I am. I am of value. I am lo...

In 1 Kings 17, there is a story about a widow who only had a little bit of oil. In summary, she chose to bless others and the oil jar never ran dry. During this COVID-19 season, I have had an oil jar. I have struggled with jobs and have financially questioned so many times how I would make it. But God. There is literally no other explanation than God. For many months, I have sat here and done the math and been like, "No way am I going to be able to do this." In case anyone didn't know, adulting is expensive. Bills come COVID-19 or not. But God. Not only have I made it so far. I have all I want, need and desire. I have more than I started with prior to COVID-19. Which mathematically makes no sense. This should have ruined me. This should have emptied my resources. I shouldn't be so well off after this financial hit. But God. And I swear the only explanation is God. Like really. Some might call it good planning but no one planned for this. Some might call it...

In the workout world, when you are training for a marathon, you do interval training where you push hard and then walk it out. Honestly, the walking it out can be the hardest part because you know the next interval is coming and all you really want to do is sit down! Walking it out builds endurance and teaches consistency. You go further in training when you learn to walk it out. I feel like I am in a season of walking it out; and I don't really like it. I want to run or sit down or give up. Instead, here I am, walking it out. This season is not a time out or a sprint. It's a building of endurance and consistency.  God has placed a calling on my heart. I have been knocked down, discouraged, and all sorts of in my feelings. God has given me room to grow into my calling but I am not comfortable. Imagine that ... growth happens in discomfort.  I'm also scared. Scared of this season. I've always been a "jump all in" kind of girl. I don't do an...

Tonight, I was driving home and pondering the last few months; and as I pondered I noticed growth. It made me smile. It made me proud of the woman God is shaping me into too. It also made me want to write this blog post. So here we are. I am a letter writer. God tells me what to write and I write. One of the things I often write in my letters is that the recipient is a warrior and that warriors do not lose. I mean that with all my heart and truly believe God often tells me to tell people that. But what about me?  That message is for me too.  I'm a warrior because 7 months ago, I left a very bad and toxic relationship. My lipstick used to be too loud. My loving others used to be too much. It was always something and I was too much for him.  You know when you're used to running back to something, even bad, over and over? How hard and painful it is NOT to run back? It has been a battle of the mind. Not because it was any good for me, but it was my safety...

Tonight, I was talking to God and He painted me this picture that I thought was so cool that I wanted to write about it. It's not like I hadn't heard it before, but in this season it hit differently. I am a indoor cycling instructor when we are not in the middle of a pandemic. When all this began, I worked out at the gym. Not like a hard core health nut but enough to move my body and be healthy. However, the gyms are shut down now and who knows when everything will reopen. So, I hadn't been working out.  Then last weekend, I made the decision to do some form of exercise everyday. Why? Well, I don't want to come out of this looking like a marshmallow, but I also really can't jump back into teaching a high, physically demanding class if I haven't moved my body in two months. So, on Monday I did ab work. Tuesday, it hurt to breathe. Still I persevered. Then yesterday, I focused my exercises on my thighs. Today, it hurt to walk up stairs and I didn'...

I am not okay. What a way to start a blog, right? But it's the truth. This pandemic has left me feeling shaky at best. I lost a job I thought I would be in for years. I have struggled to find any form of consistency. My future is questionable. My plans non-existent. Everything feels like it has fallen apart.  I'm not sure it really hit me until this week. I've cried a lot (which even then may be an understatement). I'm not okay. And that's okay. I still have faith. I know God will get me through this. I know it'll all be alright. "And we know that ALL things will work together for the good of those called by God and according to His purpose." Romans 8:28 I also know it's okay to feel this way. It's a grieving process. It's okay to cry. Everyone's world has been shaken and changed because of corona. It's not all bad but it is different. I had plans before this. Things I was looking forward too. Now, m...

Writing is the way I process things and I also know that there is power in the things we speak. Revelation 12:11 talks about overcoming the enemy by " the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony ." The enemy would have us believe our stories are too whatever. Too crazy. Too unrelatable. Too shameful. Too embarrassing. The enemy would like nothing better than to isolate us! By speaking what is going on in our lives and how God is molding us and what we battle, we remove the enemy's power to isolate. 2020 has brought much growth and we are only headed into our third month. I feel like I have lived a few lifetimes in just the last two months. My theme of the year has been, "Press in." God is building me up in leadership in my church. My relationships are stronger. I view myself different. I know who I am. But this has not come without cost. So I have to press in. I have had to drop some things to make room for what God has called me too. I ...