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Scars: A testimony

I have been sitting on this blog for awhile. I was hesitant to share for many reasons ... judgement, shame, and second guessing myself. 

However, today I heard a sermon from my church, Lifepoint Church of Fredericksburg. The pastor said, "The enemy can keep you broken as long as he keeps you silent." It is in the isolation and the silence that our shame is all too real. 

But you know what, Jesus didn't die for me to live ashamed. He didn't rise again to let hope die. We were made to be real so we can be fully alive in Jesus.

There is a song by I AM THEY that every time it comes on the radio, I just worship. The song is called "Scars." I worship because I know how true that song is in my life. I worship because I understand and feel God's goodness. But then ... I get out of my car; and shame returns.

I say shame because only shame makes us hide. Fear may drive us to hide but shame keeps us there.

The chorus of the song says,

 So I'm thankful for the scars
'Cause without them I wouldn't know Your heart
And I know they'll always tell of who You are
So forever I am thankful for the scars

See, we all have scars. Life gives us scars. Life has given me some scars I am not proud of. They're not bragging rights. Some of those scars life didn't cause, I caused. Because of MY actions and MY choices. Then, some scars are just a result of how I chose to handle pain.
Some of my scars are from self harm. I always wear a watch, but under that watch are lines where I used to cut myself. They are over five years old, but they remain. I didn't cut to get attention, I cut to deal with the pain in my heart. But it didn't work. Because distractions are often just that ... distractions. They do not mask the pain and they certainly don't help you deal with it.

They are not something I am proud of but they are part of my testimony. Part of my testimony is how Jesus met me in my brokenness. Well, actually, that's not true. ALL of my testimony is really how God met me in my brokenness. And if I choose to hide, I mask who He is and all He has done for me. 

Another line in the song is,
"I can see, I can see

How you delivered me
In Your hands, in Your feet
I found my victory"
Even Jesus had scars. Scars life gave Him. Scars we gave Him. Isaiah 53:5, says "By His wounds, we are healed."

The things that hurt my heart at 13 years old sometimes still hurt my heart. And then there are other things that hurt my heart. Healing in a constant process. 2 Corinthians 3:18 says that we are "constantly being transformed into the image of Christ."

I am not there yet, but I want to live free. I want to keep pushing on and not give up. I want to strip away sin and shame. 

One other part of the song echos this,

"Now I'm standing in confidence
With the strength of Your faithfulness
And I'm not who I was before
No, I don't have to fear anymore."




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