Skip to main content

God Only Knows

Broken. Rejected. Bruised. Anxious. Frustrated. Sad. Misunderstood. Tired.

These words and more describe how I have felt lately. I am not writing this to get attention, sympathy, or even compassion. This post is because one of the challenges God has continually given me in the last 6+ months is to live authentically. To be transparent. Why? Because someone, somewhere, can relate to part of my story.

See, I like my pride. I like how the makeup hides my dark circles and the night hides my tears. I am comfortable with how bitterness covers shame and sadness. I am secure behind my walls that block out what I really think and feel in the name of not being hurt. Again. I love looking like I have it all together. 

I am uncomfortable with the truth. Because the truth is messy and hard. It brings tears and reveals cracks in my carefully sculpted mask of "all togetherness." 

See, we all go through things that push us beyond what we ever thought we could endure. And it would be nice if we got a gold star. A badge of honor of sorts, to show everyone that we endured this battle or accomplished something we felt was important. But there are no gold stars in life. In fact, sometimes we don't even get a breathe, much less a chance to catch our breathes before the next wave knocks us down.

So instead of gold stars, we get testimonies; and part of my testimony is the mess. The mess of broken dreams, hurt feelings, rejection and whatever else fills in the blank. Revelation 12:11 says we defeat the enemy, "through the blood of the Lamb and the Word of our testimony."

We all have a mess and if we skip that part of our testimony, we minimize what God has done. Because we serve a God who is comfortable in the middle of our mess.

I have burdens that God only knows. 

God only knows how devastated I was when I was fired from a job I loved and thought I was doing well at. He saw my deep anguish in the dead of night. I didn't just lose my job that day. I lost my kids and my confidence.

God only knows the shame I have felt at becoming the girl I always silently judged. And ultimately, the one others judged too. They didn't know my story. And they didn't ask.

God only knows how much the words and actions of others made me feel rejected. Like I was somehow a waste of space and effort.

God only knows the prayers I have prayed in the middle of panic attacks due to stress being more than I could handle.

God only knows...

He knows and He sees me. Not only does He see, but He looks on me with compassion and love. He pulls me close to His chest and lets me cry. Our God did not just create joy, but sadness as well. Tears are no insult to Him. He is not put off by our real pain and our real emotions. 

Philippians 4:19 says that, "God will supply ALL our needs." One of our needs is to be real. 

All this comes with a promise. Psalm 23:4, "Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." 

He is with you and I, Beloved Child of God. Our stories do not end here!

"God Only Knows" by For King & Country 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Walking It Out

In the workout world, when you are training for a marathon, you do interval training where you push hard and then walk it out. Honestly, the walking it out can be the hardest part because you know the next interval is coming and all you really want to do is sit down! Walking it out builds endurance and teaches consistency. You go further in training when you learn to walk it out. I feel like I am in a season of walking it out; and I don't really like it. I want to run or sit down or give up. Instead, here I am, walking it out. This season is not a time out or a sprint. It's a building of endurance and consistency.  God has placed a calling on my heart. I have been knocked down, discouraged, and all sorts of in my feelings. God has given me room to grow into my calling but I am not comfortable. Imagine that ... growth happens in discomfort.  I'm also scared. Scared of this season. I've always been a "jump all in" kind of girl. I don't do an...
Post a Comment
Read more

Life Lessons from COVID-19

 Goodness, haven't we all learned something from COVID-19! From general things like what professions are essential to the day to day function of our world. To how we are social people, even as introverts. To adjusting to social distancing and masks everywhere. However, I believe we all have learned some very personal things about ourselves as well. In that, there is room to grow.  Here are some things I have learned and grown in: 1. My worth. This is probably the biggest and most life changing one. As well as one of the biggest works in progress. COVID-19 challenged me in where I find my worth. Like many people, I like working and people interactions. COVID-19 cost me jobs and well, a pandemic is not really a social place. It left me hitting rock bottom several times. Like many people, I battled depression due to the circumstances. It was hard; brutal even. But then something happened. God began scrapping layers back in my heart to reestablish who I am. I am of value. I am lo...
Post a Comment
Read more

Overcomer Not A Survivor

If I could give you a tiny picture of the last few years, you would see a story woven with pain and heartache. Not completely, but a lot. Some my own making and choosing and some just how circumstances happened. Toxic relationships, job loss and changes, and a plethora of health issues. My therapist (which I highly recommend having one to anyone. Yes, you can still love Jesus and need a therapist) calls me "strong."  And I agree. I am strong. But this has been on my mind and is bothering me so here we are writing. My generation is entitled (overall) but there is a much bigger movement at play...victimization. The culture around us in the world right now claims victimization for everything. People as a whole feel the wrongs they experience follows them. Defines them. Takes over them.  That to me, friends, is a depressing thing. See, in victimization we almost always default to survival mode. In survival mode we are just trying to make it. We are trying to fight against out dem...
1 comment
Read more